Talking to myself

4 years ago, I was here contemplating on what to do with my life after a semester of medical school. I am now here again, 2 years and a semester in veterinary medicine. 1 year and a semester more and I will be done. But why am I now having doubts? I honestly don't want to give up especially now I'm nearing the end. But why am on the verge of surrendering?

4 years ago, I sat on the steps of the terrace saying that I have finally moved on and I am free. Now, I sat there again, thinking if this is it or this is just another dream and not a possibility at all; actually wondering what is really this between us.

Between 4 years ago and now, what was the difference? None. Both instances are giving me doubts on myself, insecurities building up, wondering a lot about the future. What does the future hold for me? Could those things that I want be in my future or they'd continue to be dreams only?

Dreams. I have a lot of it for my future. Love. Family. Career. Kids. Grand kids. License. Friends. But could those dreams of mine come true? I dream that he is the one, but is he really the one? I dream of having my own family, but will I have my own family? I have dreamed of a lot of careers that I want to be, but is any of it will be my career; better yet, will I be a successful veterinarian in the future? I dream of having kids of my own, but am I capable of bearing offspring? And the question continues to will there be my own grand kids?

Should I decide not to give up, I will be graduating in a year, and board exams come right after; will I graduate on time? Will I pass the board exams in one take? Will I be able to have enough knowledge for the exam? Friends come and go, who will be there for me until the end? Who will just leave me behind in a snap?

Here I go again, me and my babbling mind. My babbling mind that cannot be tamed, full of questions but no answers at all, full of doubts and worries but no assurances and comfort, full of love to give but gets nothing in return, full of dreams but gets nothing in reality.

-bridgetco Pontevedra, November 2, 2012, 21:23