Dear Angkong,
Today is your first death anniversary. I'll always remember November 27, 2009. Mabilis ang mga pangyayari but I still remember them. Early that morning, before we left for our flight to Hong Kong, I went into your room and said goodbye to you and Ama. I even kidded that you wait for me when we return on the 29th. You both laughed at me pa and I know you waved at me pa. But a thought was bothering me the night before that pa, and I have told a friend about this thought that I had. Knowing that my imagination's running wild again, I forced myself to push that thought away as we boarded the plane. That night while we were sleeping, I kept hearing Dad’s phone receiving messages, but I didn’t mind it that much since hindi ko naman yun phone. Shortly after midnight, the hotel phone rang. Dad jumped from the bed to answer the phone. We don’t know who was on the other line, but we sensed something was wrong as Dad was answering in a panicky tone. When he put down the phone, he simply told us, “Patay na si Papa.” The sleepy me became wide awake and I suddenly remembered the thought that I had and I was silently cursing myself for having a wild imagination. I can remember na Dad can’t go back to sleep, and he decided to return to Manila the following day (28th) and nagpasya rin akong sumama to be with Ama. After we had the city tour, we asked the tour guide to drop us at the airport, while Mommy, Achi and Claire went to Disneyland. We were at the airport mga 3pm pa lang to ask if we can be chance passengers for the flight back to Manila. We had to endure the waiting in front of the check in counter just to know our fate kung makakabalik kami both ni Dad or only one can go back and the other (me!) take the train back to the hotel. By 8PM, lumapit sa amin yung attendant(?) and gave us our tickets! We arrived at NAIA-1 past midnight and Tita Plot fetched us from the airport and drove us to Heritage. I have conditioned myself to be strong and not to cry when I see your body. When we entered the room, my first thought was to turn around and walk back to the car and wait there, but I didn’t. Lumapit ako sa kabao mo and when I glanced at your face, I broke down. Hindi ko natupad yung promise ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako iiyak kapag nakita kita. Dad had to comfort me with the thought na you’re up there na and at least hindi ka na nahihirapan pa. It was hard and so sudden. We had to comfort each other for us to heal the loss we felt when you left.
Angkong, I’m sorry. I’m very, very, very sorry. Alam ko hindi ako naging super mabuting apo for you. Alam ko na dahil sa kababawan ko kaya hindi tayo nagpansinan for about 10 years kahit na andito lang tayo sa iisang bubong. It all started with my stupid lata of stickers. Kung hindi dahil sa latang yun, hindi tayo magkakaroon ng hidwaan. Biruin mo, all through out almost all of my elementary years, buong high school and college ko e hindi pala tayo nagpansinan? I’m so bad. Naaalala ko pa na nung nasa med school na ako, every after dismissal, pagkabalik ko sa dorm ko na kapitbahay lang ng school e tatawag ako agad sa bahay bago lumabas para bumili ng pagkain and ikaw madalas ang nakakasagot ng phone. Tinatanong mo lagi how my day went, kung kumain na ba ako then ipapasa mo ang phone kay Ama. And kapag umuuwi ako kapag Fridays e ikaw ang usual una kong makikita and mangangamusta kung nahirapan ba ako magcommute.
Alam ko nadisappoint ka rin when I stopped med. Alam ko lahat naman kayo nadisappoint eh. I did try my best naman to love med, pero hindi ko lang talaga siya naffeel at hindi rin ako magiging masaya in the long run. Nung nagkasakit si Ama, diba sabi ko sa iyo sa taas ka na matulog, ako na lang matutulog sa tabi ni Ama para in case kailangan i-BP or whatever, magagawa agad. Then one night bumaba ka, pagod yata ako kaya hindi ko naramdaman pero nagising ako, andun ka sa tabi ni Ama, nakadungaw tapos niloloko mo pa ako na hindi man lang ako nagising nung nagbukas ka ng pinto.
Aside kay Ama and minsan kay Claire, isa ka sa mga naging primary food taster ko sa mga pinagbbake at mga kung anu-anong niluluto ko, lalo na yung mga cookies. Tapos naaalala ko, madalas sinasabi mo kulang sa tamis kahit na minsan natatamisan na ako pati rin si Ama. Tapos kapag ulam naman, as long as hindi pork ang iluluto ko, kakain ka. Sayang, hindi mo na yata natikman yung blueberry cheesecake na ginawa ko, pati yung buko pandan. Pero, hayaan mo, ginawan kita ng gulaman with lychee kahapon para makuha mo siya ngayon para may food ka dyan. Matagal mo na rin siya hindi nakakain eh, diba. Hehehehe.
Namimiss ka na ni Ama. Namimiss ka na ni Dad kahit hindi niya sinasabi. Syempre, si A-ko miss ka na rin niya. Sila Kriz din, pati ako. Maraming times ka na bumisita kay Ama sa panaginip niya. PERO WAG MONG GAGAWIN ULIT YUNG GINAWA MO ONCE SA PANAGINIP NI AMA!!! HINDI AKO PAPAYAG!!! Just recently, bumisita ka rin sa panaginip ko, isang gabi lang siya pero in two different dreams. Why? Hindi mo naman ako kinausap, tumingin ka lang sa akin and nagsmile. Sinubukan kong tawagin ka kaya lang, walang boses na lumalabas sa bibig ko.
Sana andito ka pa. Sana naipagmaneho man lang kita kahit isang beses. Sana napatawad mo na si Dad sa naging alitan niyong dalawa. Sana nakikita mo si Genn ngayon kapag bumibisita siya dito, parang nakalunok lang ng melon. Sana mas naipagluto pa kita ng kung anu-anong mga pagkain. Sana nakikita mo how happy I am sa vetmed ngayon. Sana, napatawad mo na ako.
I love you, Angkong! Promise ko, aalagaan ko lagi si Ama.
~Bea
Today is your first death anniversary. I'll always remember November 27, 2009. Mabilis ang mga pangyayari but I still remember them. Early that morning, before we left for our flight to Hong Kong, I went into your room and said goodbye to you and Ama. I even kidded that you wait for me when we return on the 29th. You both laughed at me pa and I know you waved at me pa. But a thought was bothering me the night before that pa, and I have told a friend about this thought that I had. Knowing that my imagination's running wild again, I forced myself to push that thought away as we boarded the plane. That night while we were sleeping, I kept hearing Dad’s phone receiving messages, but I didn’t mind it that much since hindi ko naman yun phone. Shortly after midnight, the hotel phone rang. Dad jumped from the bed to answer the phone. We don’t know who was on the other line, but we sensed something was wrong as Dad was answering in a panicky tone. When he put down the phone, he simply told us, “Patay na si Papa.” The sleepy me became wide awake and I suddenly remembered the thought that I had and I was silently cursing myself for having a wild imagination. I can remember na Dad can’t go back to sleep, and he decided to return to Manila the following day (28th) and nagpasya rin akong sumama to be with Ama. After we had the city tour, we asked the tour guide to drop us at the airport, while Mommy, Achi and Claire went to Disneyland. We were at the airport mga 3pm pa lang to ask if we can be chance passengers for the flight back to Manila. We had to endure the waiting in front of the check in counter just to know our fate kung makakabalik kami both ni Dad or only one can go back and the other (me!) take the train back to the hotel. By 8PM, lumapit sa amin yung attendant(?) and gave us our tickets! We arrived at NAIA-1 past midnight and Tita Plot fetched us from the airport and drove us to Heritage. I have conditioned myself to be strong and not to cry when I see your body. When we entered the room, my first thought was to turn around and walk back to the car and wait there, but I didn’t. Lumapit ako sa kabao mo and when I glanced at your face, I broke down. Hindi ko natupad yung promise ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako iiyak kapag nakita kita. Dad had to comfort me with the thought na you’re up there na and at least hindi ka na nahihirapan pa. It was hard and so sudden. We had to comfort each other for us to heal the loss we felt when you left.
Angkong, I’m sorry. I’m very, very, very sorry. Alam ko hindi ako naging super mabuting apo for you. Alam ko na dahil sa kababawan ko kaya hindi tayo nagpansinan for about 10 years kahit na andito lang tayo sa iisang bubong. It all started with my stupid lata of stickers. Kung hindi dahil sa latang yun, hindi tayo magkakaroon ng hidwaan. Biruin mo, all through out almost all of my elementary years, buong high school and college ko e hindi pala tayo nagpansinan? I’m so bad. Naaalala ko pa na nung nasa med school na ako, every after dismissal, pagkabalik ko sa dorm ko na kapitbahay lang ng school e tatawag ako agad sa bahay bago lumabas para bumili ng pagkain and ikaw madalas ang nakakasagot ng phone. Tinatanong mo lagi how my day went, kung kumain na ba ako then ipapasa mo ang phone kay Ama. And kapag umuuwi ako kapag Fridays e ikaw ang usual una kong makikita and mangangamusta kung nahirapan ba ako magcommute.
Alam ko nadisappoint ka rin when I stopped med. Alam ko lahat naman kayo nadisappoint eh. I did try my best naman to love med, pero hindi ko lang talaga siya naffeel at hindi rin ako magiging masaya in the long run. Nung nagkasakit si Ama, diba sabi ko sa iyo sa taas ka na matulog, ako na lang matutulog sa tabi ni Ama para in case kailangan i-BP or whatever, magagawa agad. Then one night bumaba ka, pagod yata ako kaya hindi ko naramdaman pero nagising ako, andun ka sa tabi ni Ama, nakadungaw tapos niloloko mo pa ako na hindi man lang ako nagising nung nagbukas ka ng pinto.
Aside kay Ama and minsan kay Claire, isa ka sa mga naging primary food taster ko sa mga pinagbbake at mga kung anu-anong niluluto ko, lalo na yung mga cookies. Tapos naaalala ko, madalas sinasabi mo kulang sa tamis kahit na minsan natatamisan na ako pati rin si Ama. Tapos kapag ulam naman, as long as hindi pork ang iluluto ko, kakain ka. Sayang, hindi mo na yata natikman yung blueberry cheesecake na ginawa ko, pati yung buko pandan. Pero, hayaan mo, ginawan kita ng gulaman with lychee kahapon para makuha mo siya ngayon para may food ka dyan. Matagal mo na rin siya hindi nakakain eh, diba. Hehehehe.
Namimiss ka na ni Ama. Namimiss ka na ni Dad kahit hindi niya sinasabi. Syempre, si A-ko miss ka na rin niya. Sila Kriz din, pati ako. Maraming times ka na bumisita kay Ama sa panaginip niya. PERO WAG MONG GAGAWIN ULIT YUNG GINAWA MO ONCE SA PANAGINIP NI AMA!!! HINDI AKO PAPAYAG!!! Just recently, bumisita ka rin sa panaginip ko, isang gabi lang siya pero in two different dreams. Why? Hindi mo naman ako kinausap, tumingin ka lang sa akin and nagsmile. Sinubukan kong tawagin ka kaya lang, walang boses na lumalabas sa bibig ko.
Sana andito ka pa. Sana naipagmaneho man lang kita kahit isang beses. Sana napatawad mo na si Dad sa naging alitan niyong dalawa. Sana nakikita mo si Genn ngayon kapag bumibisita siya dito, parang nakalunok lang ng melon. Sana mas naipagluto pa kita ng kung anu-anong mga pagkain. Sana nakikita mo how happy I am sa vetmed ngayon. Sana, napatawad mo na ako.
I love you, Angkong! Promise ko, aalagaan ko lagi si Ama.
~Bea
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