Why was I not posting since 2014? I had many attempts to write and blog since my last entry, but I always end up... Stalling? Lazing? Tired? Busy? Uninspired? I. Do. Not. Know.
Life took over. Let us make a quick run through of what happened.
- I defended my thesis.
- I graduated.
- I unexpectedly got a job without applying.
- I turned a year older.
- I took the licensure exam.
- I failed the licensure exam.
- I went to my province to "cope up" with my failure.
- I went back to work.
- I turned another year older.
- I took the licensure exam again.
- I failed again.
- I went to the province again.
- I went back to work again.
- I learned calligraphy.
- I turned another year older.
- I took the licensure exam again and again.
- I failed again and again.
- I went to the province again and again.
- I went back to work again and again.
- I paused work to review again and again.
- I turned a year older, again.
- I took the exam again and again and again.
- I unexpectedly found myself jobless.
- I failed again and again and again.
- I find myself hanging in the air.
So you know the feeling of not knowing where now life takes you, especially when the life you are living for the past 3 years has been the routine you have been doing, then suddenly it stops. It sucks. Big time.
And at the same time, you get to question life why it is not working for you. For four straight years, you flunk the examination. For four straight years, you strive so hard to reach that ultimate goal, but still fail to do so. That sometimes, I wonder maybe I should I have continued human medicine then. Perhaps, I would be luckier there. Or that maybe anything in the medical field is not really for me at all. That now you wonder, what would life be in the future. Should I just completely shun this life from now on? Or still continue trying? I freaking hate to disappoint my parents over and over and over again. Year in year out I tell myself I will get this, but I fail. And my parents would just keep their mouth shut but I could feel the burning desire for them to scold and lecture me, for not concentrating more, for not taking this stuff more seriously. Same goes to the boyfriend. I know Dad has completely given up on me. Because he told Mommy (and she told me) that this will be the last time that I will take the exam. Perhaps he's still thinking that he shouldn't have allowed me to take up this course in the first place all these years. And that year in year out I see friends pass the examination and claim their licenses, but I get to be left behind, doubting myself all the more.
Where do I go from here? I have no idea. Everyday when I wake up and before I sleep, I ask myself the same thing. They said, when a door closes, a window opens. A door suddenly closed. Without a tiniest warning. Then I thought maybe the window that would open would be I will pass the exam. But I didn't, and the window remained closed. Therefore I found myself trapped, making myself hide more from everyone around me. They tell me to be positive with life; but with my current situation, I don't think I could be positive at all.
Life happens. And I just have to go with the flow.